Hell is Hot Yoga

Since I wasn’t my ultimate best today workout or eating wise, I’m going to use my post tonight to talk about something I did last week. Hot yoga.

I know trying new things is good for me. I know that trying new things doesn’t guarantee I’ll like them. Or even that it was a great idea to try them in the first place.

Take me and yoga. Yup, I hate it. Yes I am giving it a solid try for a full month. All I can say is thank goodness I picked the shortest month of the year to try it.

Was I upset that I got sick for 5 days and couldn’t do yoga for that time? No, not at all! But I was starting to feel fat and lazy and I was itching to get out, even if that meant doing a yoga class.

As much as I hate yoga, there’s something I hate even more than that. It’s being hot. I don’t mean the sun is out and it’s warm. I mean, can’t breathe because the fracking parking lot isn’t covered and you just got in your car after a 10 hour shift and the ac won’t kick on fast enough (I’m referring to my time in Florida and Louisiana for those not in the loop). Which I discovered is basically what hot yoga is. Who on God’s green earth thought contorting your body into weird positions in the heat and humidity for a full hour was a brilliant idea?

Let me paint you a beautiful vivid picture of my experience with hot yoga!

Five minutes in and I’m DRIPPING sweat. Not dabbing off my brow. Not even “wow, that was a fantastic workout” swear. I mean my clothes were DRIPPING wet! Within five minutes. So I’m actually thinking I’m pretty smart for getting the spot by the door. (Turns out this WAS prime real estate but not for what I was hoping)- if it gets too much I’ll just bow out quietly and no one will even notice. That was an adorable idea. The instructor placed herself by the back door for most of class. Why? You ask?

No not to stop folks like me from escaping. Although I did end up staying bc of her. No, she strategically placed herself at the door in order to fan the room. Because it was so hot.

Now I have to hand it to the regulars at the class. These were the special idiots that held all the poses for the entire class. They had their 16 oz water bottles next to them and they calmly sipped on them when the teacher gave us a second. Me? I had my 33 oz bottle and that sucker was GONE the first 30 minutes.¬†And forget holding all the poses for the entire class. It’s sad when even child’s pose gives you no solace or relief because putting your head between your arms makes you just as dizzy as standing. I found the floor was a great place to lay my face. It was the only place in that horrid room that wasn’t hot to the touch.

So while I’m trying to relax and catch my breath, I feel my head starting to freak out a little. I can’t breathe. It’s too hot. I don’t care that the teacher is right at the door, I’ve gotta get the hell out of here! And then the teacher says out loud “if you feel like you’re panicking, don’t worry, that’s perfectly normal.”

Lady- no. No it is NOT normal! If you are panicking it is because your body is experiencing extreme ABNORMAL conditions!!!!

She also said later that it was completely normal to feel light headed and dizzy. I wanted to punch her in the face. Easy for her to say! All she was doing was standing by the door fanning the class off once every few minutes!

So I made it through the class. Thanks to my strategic placing right by the door. I didn’t bring a change of clothes so I walked out of the studio and into the cold. All the while swearing I’ll never do that to my precious body ever again for as long as I live. I have 8 more classes on my punch card though. Would any of you like to take a hot yoga class with me?

Fun times!